I'm at it again... too much time on hand, too little things to do. Too much on my mind...

Why? I often ask myself. 人生本来很多事就是徒劳无功的。。。
But for all that i've put in.. why am i going through all these turbulence, i fought hard for what i want, for what i thought i deserve, sometime it's so hard doing what i do, but life is just a joke...
Everyone i met probably will tell me.."wow you are so lucky"
If... that's another irony that run through my mind all the time, what if...
All i can do is to keep everything to myself, no one truly care, everyone is just curious...

I am tired...really.


Tired. Very tired.
Not just from the travelling, but also from everything that i've experienced.

I always thought the only person i should please is myself, but as we all knows, life issn't that simple. and many times while trying to keep people around us contented, we often have to be the one making sacrifices.

Many changes occured this 2 years. A little too much sometimes..
Sort of fulfilled my dreams of 'travelling' around..
But 难免感到空虚...

Just like right now..when a person is alone and helpless and no one to talk to, no one that he can turn to nor think of...then what is the purpose of life?
Home is where your heart is..so is the world my home or am i homeless?

It has been awhile since i put my thoughts into words, been doing nothing for the past 6 weeks. i looked back at what has been going on. damn..nothing. No work, randomly meeting up friends, thrice weekly soccer session, and that's it. Realize i have been the one always calling people up to meet me, why is it so difficult? It takes 2 hand to clap, it also take 2 to stay in contact. I somehow realize you don't lose your friends, you just come to know who is there for u. Everyone is just busy with life.


I do realize since i do not have anything to do, anyone to love and any dreams to hope for, that makes me an extreme unhappy person. And my time is always on standby for one man. For the last couple of months when i was oversea for long duration, with no friends, no one to talk to, she was always there, probably the only person whom can relate to me. That is one solid reason why we became together. Many people doubted us and say "i told you so" but how many of you were there for me? Through all the days and time when i was alone, touch your heart and asked yourself my dear friends.. who bother to even asked "how's your day?" At the very least she does provide me with my hourly 'wud' drama.

‘你不需要依赖任何人’ 是当你还有人可以依赖时说的话。 Human are selfish, very selfish.

Recently, just 3 weeks back, somehow Z pop back into my life, we seems to have 'endless' topic to talk about, of course we do..we haven't been in touch for 10 years. But as fast and as random as things seems to happen.. There is some unspoken feelings that is better left that way; unsaid...

I don't think I want to lose another special friend again. I know myself well, i know my character, even though over the years people changed, i know i have changed too.. But some things remain. So suddenly both of us, or perhaps its me, the 'withdrawal symptom' relapsed again. If this is the best distance between us, then it shall be.

I know how people always tell me how lucky i am to have what i have, and to do what i do, to get what i get. Plus all the attentions that i received. But how many realize that i do not need lots of attention. I just want to be able to find one soul mate. Just one, through all the good, the bad and the ugly.

I don't know how this thing works.. i can be occupied with lots of work commitment, getting lots of random attention, and meeting friends from all walks of life..anything that get me occupied throughout the day. But I still feel very much lonely. That's how i felt for the past one, two years..No one really care, everyone is just curious to get a juicy piece of gossip.

没了旧照片，回忆只能随着日子淡忘...
经过多次挫折，人成长了...
刺猬为了自保，不得不伤害周围的一切...

当俩个人无法沟通，无法向对方倾诉心里的想法，那代表什么？

Whenever i got to put my thoughts down into words,
it mean that I'm feeling shitty.
Yes i am feeling shitty now.

I shouldn't be, I'm supposedly having the time of my life now,
getting a promotion soon, travelling on an all expenses paid culinary trips to a couple of countries, having famous chefs guiding me along on all these trips.

But when one aspect of your life is so exciting, other aspects will be a little neglected somehow, isn't it?
Exactly..and what can be done?

Its the time of the month again. One by one, everyone get called into the office for a chat. A performance review. Most came out smiling and given the pat in the back, a couple of promotions coming along. All these discussion are held one on one.
Except for the special one, thats me.
Its two on one in my case, LOL. As always, i gotta be the different one.
Everything came out so well except that its a futile discussion. Nothing for me.

"You've done a fantastic job but i'm sorry i cant get you a promotion.I'm sure you are ready for the next step but i can't give you anything, i hope you understand.."

Wow such words of wisdom came out..and from my understanding..that means a whole load of bullshit..

"I'm sure you can go to any city hotel right now and get a much better position and salary but if only you have the patience..Patience! Good things come to those who waits.."

Yet another bullshit..

Patience is a good attribute to have, but not when it comes to overcoming immediate challenges. Sick and tired of all this talks that lead to nowhere.

Life's full of choices/limitation.

Just when you thought you had it all in the pocket, more choices are being thrown up for grab.

This time round there's france, spain and good ol'singapore.
The constant offer of jobs/training oversea is always tempting but everytime somewhere along the way, it just snap and there goes...unlucky or not worthy enough?
Going back to school might not be the best choice as it seem right now esp when its FULLTIME studies..

Who's gg to finance me for the next 2 years of school? LOL.
A graduate at 28 with $500 in my bank account? I think most probably so...
Scary reality.

But its a sound investment issnt it? I went to enquire regarding a course i'm interested in and the 2 ladies were dumbfound when i say i got a Dip in IT.
The min requirement is a local polytechnic Diploma which mean my sunset toilet paper is useless..

And the only reason that i can gave was 10yrs ago when i enrol into poly, there were ZERO culinary course available and TP came closest in taking in only their 2nd batch of tourism mgt cohort,RP was still in construction.. :( They dont seem to agree on my choice of studies..

Choices? Limitation?